Shedding Light on a Dark Reality

A “quick exit” button is often found on websites designed to help victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and abuse. Its intent is to protect a site user who is looking for online support just in case their abuser makes an unexpected appearance. One click, and the screen changes to a weather map or a different website.

For many women who are victims of violence and abuse, there is no quick exit from their situation. Some go years—or even decades—stuffing down battered emotions and shattered psyches, hiding visible signs of abuse, and never seeking help.

Licensed professional clinical counselors Kathy Nagel and Judy* have counseled hundreds of abused women over the years. Both women are part of Abigail Ministries in northeast Ohio, and both have been victims of abuse themselves. “Kathy and I understand it, and the women we counsel know we understand it because we were treated that way,” Judy says.

Lifeline of support

Several years ago, Kathy was invited to be a guest on Moody Radio Cleveland’s morning show to address the subject of domestic violence, and she’s been a featured monthly guest ever since.

“Brian Dahlen (host of WCRF’s Mornings with Brian) really has a heart for this, and so does station manager Josh Villa,” Kathy says. “They’re very receptive and willing to talk about something that is not a pleasant topic.”

“I’m passionate about discussing today’s issues from a biblical perspective, even if those topics are difficult,” Brian says. “Sadly, abusive relationships are common in Christian relationships, and this isn’t something we should tolerate. I’ve done my best to highlight this issue for many years in order to rescue those in difficult situations of abuse.”

Exposing abuse in all its forms

Both Kathy and Judy try to expose and unravel misconceptions about abuse, beginning with what abuse means. They both say that women often don’t consider themselves abuse victims because what they’re experiencing isn’t always physical violence.

“That's the first one everybody thinks of. They think that (physical) is the only kind of domestic violence,” Judy says. “We say there are at least six different kinds of abuse, including emotional abuse, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse—controlling or withholding money—and then physical and sexual abuse. These are all domestic violence.”

Judy recalls hearing a conference speaker paint a good visual picture of abuse categories. “She said, ‘Emotional abuse is like an umbrella over all abuses. Every kind of abuse is emotional. Think about it. You have someone telling you they love you, but they’re harming you. That's emotional abuse.”

Misunderstanding the complexities of abuse

Sadly, many Christian women who are abuse victims feel a sense of guilt or shame if they report the abuse or seek help. When they do pursue help, they sometimes end up getting counsel from well-meaning but unskilled staff who have no training to address the unique dynamics of domestic abuse and work through the physical and emotional trauma suffered by abuse victims.

“I've been in workshops where I've heard Christians who are church counselors without professional training say things like, ‘Honey, you just go back there and love him better!’ Unfortunately, they’re clueless,” Kathy says. “But the professionally trained Christian counselor has more of a perspective on knowing the dynamic of the tug of war between what is God's will and what is best for a woman’s safety. The professional counselor can help that person in a very supportive way.”

For women who have never experienced any kind of counseling, fear of what that first session might look like can keep them from pursuing help. While counselors’ methods can vary, Judy says Abigail Ministries chooses practices and pathways that give women a sense of safety and reassurance. From the first session, they seek to give something to their clients that many haven’t experienced in a long time: a listening, understanding ear and a sense of control over what happens to them.

“I ask them to tell me what they would like me to know,” Judy says. “I tell them, ‘You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me.’ I say things like, ‘How would you like me to help you?’ I ask them what their goals are for the session. Sometimes they don’t know or they’re not clear, but that’s okay. Eventually, we get there.”

“So that first session is really about them telling me what they are willing to share. Sometimes they just sit and cry, and that's good. They need to have a place where no one judges them or tells them to stop crying.”

Widespread need for help

Kathy’s guest appearances on Mornings with Brian always generate responses. Currently, one online support group consists entirely of women who heard about Abigail Ministries on WCRF.

But it isn’t just the women themselves who contact Abigail Ministries after Kathy’s discussions about domestic violence.

“Dads call about their daughters,” Judy says. “Mothers call because they sense that their daughters are being abused. We get calls from husbands, too. After one show with Kathy, a young man called who lived several states away. His wife had just taken their infant child and fled the home. He said, ‘I think I’m an abuser.’ I was able to talk with him and give him some resources in his area.”

The reality of spiritual abuse

One of the saddest things that Kathy and Judy encounter is hearing the stories of Christian women who have had the Word of God twisted, misquoted, and even used against them as threats.

“There’s misuse of the whole dynamic of biblical submission, which can tend to attract abusive males. There are misunderstandings about forgiveness and headship, too,” Kathy says. “The Scriptures are used against victims. I can't imagine how that hurts the heart of God to use His beautiful words and promises to us to hurt someone. It's just awful. That’s spiritual abuse. There is some very subtle abuse in the Christian community that people really are not aware of.”

Brian has heard Kathy address the topic of spiritually abusive behaviors many times. “Kathy is quick to point out that some people warp Scripture to excuse their wicked behavior toward a loved one,” Brian says. “Learning about the prevalence of this problem from Kathy motivated our team to continue having her on the show regularly. While the topic is difficult, we’re energized by exposing this evil and equipping victims to get help.”

‘Radio has such a reach’

Kathy and Judy see the positive impact of honest discussions and hope-filled possibilities being presented on a Christian radio station. “Radio has such a reach,” Kathy says, “because it's so intimate. People listen to it alone in their car or at home. They can hear all this, and it saturates them. It gets them thinking.

“God really gave us this wonderful opportunity and then put WCRF’s Brian and Josh in a situation where they both are very sensitive to the importance of it.”

“At the end of each segment with Kathy,” Brian adds, “I make sure to allow time for us to clearly and repeatedly tell listeners how to get help if they are in an abusive relationship. We highlight the safety and convenience of Abigail Ministries’ Zoom support groups. We carefully and deliberately repeat the phone number, website, and Facebook page.

“Most importantly, I clearly declare that Jesus hates abuse and wants victims to get help. Without fail, Abigail Ministries receives multiple calls and messages from women seeking help each time Kathy is on the show. While it’s shocking how many people in our area are suffering the horrors of abuse, I’m encouraged that the Lord is using our radio ministry to defend and assist the oppressed.”

Judy reinforces the importance of shining light on domestic abuse in all its ugly forms.

“When you're mistreated and blamed for everything and everything gets turned back around on you, you lose yourself. God put you together and gave you gifts and talents to glorify Him,” she says. “You can't use those gifts if you're being oppressed and abused. You can't follow His will. That's what we help women understand. And I can't tell you how grateful we are for WCRF and Moody Radio because they are a lifeline to these women!”

Visit Abigail Ministries’ website or call 440-281-7136 for more information or to seek counseling and support.

* Name changed for security and discretion