CarSeat Questions Podcast

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Lauren: You're listening to Car Seat Questions, a podcast for parents of curious kids.

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Eddie: I'm Lauren and I'm Eddie, and if you're anything like us, you either have a kid or you care for a kid with questions. Questions about all sorts of things.

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Lauren: And if you have a kid with questions, you yourself probably have questions like, how do I engage my child on hard topics in a way that is honoring to God and digestible for developing brain and a childlike spirit?

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Eddie: If that's you too, we're glad you're here. We don't have all the answers, and we won't pretend like we do, but we are grateful to know some really smart, godly people whose expertise is in the hearts, minds and souls of little ones growing up in today's world.

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Lauren: So for the next half hour, hop into the passenger seat, buckle your belt, and become childlike with us as the Lord takes us where he wants us to go.

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Eddie: Enjoy the show. Welcome back, listeners to season three of Car Seat Questions. Today we are joined by Doctor Andrew Batey here to talk to us about disabilities and special needs. And Doctor Batey, when we decided to talk about this topic, uh, your name kept coming up as a highly recommended interview. So we are very much looking forward to talking to you today. Um, so would you please just give us a little bit information about yourself and about your family?

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah, I would love to do that. My wife and I have 12 kids. Yes, that's 12 kids. Um, we have five older biological kids, and we've adopted seven kids with pretty significant disabilities, and we have seven grandkids and another one on the way here. Uh, this year, at some point in time, our biological kids live from Madrid, Spain, to San Francisco to Kansas City and here in central Illinois. And our adopted kids have what I've, like, officially diagnosed as being very complicated. Uh, our kids have a wide variety of disabilities that are mental health issues, that are birth defects, that are cognitive delays. They are all on the autism spectrum. Uh, they have seizures, and they have a lot of, uh, negative impacts from trauma that they endured before they came in to the foster care system. Uh, we have a daughter who's out on the East Coast who is usually, uh, homeless. And, you know, we are able to stay in contact with her from time to time, but she struggles. We have six boys who are still at home that are ages 12 to 19. Uh, one of them is in a post-high school vocational program. We have one who's in public high school, and then we are homeschooling the younger four. There was this thing that most people have heard of it. It's called Covid. Um, and our kids more. Yeah. So our kids were all in public school at that point, and Covid was really tough for kids with disabilities. And so post-Covid, we've pulled the younger four out and my wife is doing an amazing job homeschooling them here at home. So that's a little bit about our family. I work at Moody Bible Institute as the dean of our online program, so I work with faculty and students for both our undergrad and our graduate programs. I've been full time at Moody for more than a decade and absolutely love what I do. I work remotely, uh, from down in central Illinois. Moody made a position that worked great for us all those years ago so that I could work remotely, and we're very grateful for that.

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Eddie: Yeah. Fun fact I took one online course when I was great.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Hopefully it was a good one. You know.

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Eddie: It was, um. I have no idea. I had to do with geography.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Okay.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: What geography of the Old Testament or. Yes.

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Eddie: And I had to do a presentation at the end.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: There you go. I wasn't scary.

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Eddie: Wasn't thrilled about because I had to, like, commentate as the slides.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Were happening.

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Eddie: It took a lot of coordination and it.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Was, uh.

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Eddie: I think it went.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Okay, but it.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Prepared you to be a podcast host. So that's that's beautiful thing. Yeah.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: So that's why we're here.

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Lauren: Um, you've shared with us that James 127 has played a big part in, in your family's story. Also, um, let's just take a note. Our son Trey is here with us right now. Uh, we are real life parents, and sometimes kids have hard times, so he's hanging out with us. And so the babysitter. So if you hear noises, listener. That is Trey. He is real. And he's here. Um, doctor Beatty, if you could share just what James 127 is, uh, how is this how it's played out in your family life?

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. So James 127 says, a true and undefiled religion is taking care of widows and orphans in their time of distress. And, uh, I was serving as a youth pastor out in South Dakota and was on the county wide child protection team, and they kept bringing up the issue there as people were having struggles with their families, that there was just an incredible dearth of people who wanted to be foster parents. And Karen and I, you know, were doing our devotions. You know, this virtually popped out to saying, hey, you know, there's a huge need for taking care of orphans. And even in this situation, you know, oftentimes it's kids who maybe are a little different definition than orphans that are just, you know, left alone. But, you know, for whatever reason, they're not able to be with their family. And we probably we're thinking a little more highly of ourselves. You know, here I am, I'm a youth pastor. I'm the Moody Bible Institute graduate. Uh, we have five perfect kids. Sure. We can, uh, you know, take in foster kids, and, you know, everything will be perfect. Uh, we had no idea when we started that we'd end up fostering about 30 kids over the next 20 years, and we for sure had no idea that we would be so engaged with those with disabilities. I can still remember that form that we checked off originally, you know, are you willing to take a kid with physical disabilities? No. Are you one with mental health issues? No. You know, we checked all of those. No. And the Lord had different plans for us. And so we've been on this journey now for more than 25 years and are grateful for the path that God's brought us on. I think we were probably anticipating that we would have, you know, that perfect little orphan Annie who, you know, everything would go well, you know, like in the movies and it hasn't. Um, but again, that's part of the journey that we're on, and I think we're we talk about that a lot, that we're so grateful that at each step along the way, you know, we know that the Lord clearly guided us in this path and that we don't look back. Uh, one of the statements that Doctor George Sweeting at Moody used to say was never doubt in the dark what God made clear in the light. And we hold on to that, uh, really firmly as we continue this journey with our kids.

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Oh that's good.

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Lauren: Well, how has, uh, fostering and adopting children with disabilities for special needs? Um, how has it revealed to you, um, more about who God is and his, um. Yeah, just who he is and who he shows himself to be to us?

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. For us, there are several of those, like, key theological things that have really, uh, come to life for us. One of them for me that I probably say the most is just the impact of the fall as I look. And I see the. The lives that my kids have come out of, that their families have come out of, from generations of people who have not followed the Lord, and just the incredible negative consequences that that has and how that has negative consequences. You know, sometimes we look and you're like, oh, I wanted to be upset about where our kids, you know, parents were from. But then you start realizing, no, that was something that happened in the grandparents and the great grandparents generations. And so just the reality of that, you think of the reality of the struggles that our kids have with their disabilities that are really not their fault, but they are effect of sin and how that's impacted them. Another thing that we talk a lot about is just what it means for us to be adopted into God's family. And for me, I think the one that. Hits home for me most often, and that is when I start to get agitated or frustrated, um, with my kids and with what's going on. And, you know, come on, you know, we've told you that five times, so why aren't you, you know, able to figure that out? And then the spirits is like, dude, um, that's what I've been trying to tell you too. And you're not following along either. Um, and I've given you that same things and you don't listen. And so I think for me, it's been that mirror that holds up to say, oh, how am I living as a child of God? And am I doing the things that God's asked me to do or how that flows through? And so I think from that it's just like, oh, I need to be continuing to figure out how to serve the Lord better or how to do those things right. And working through that. I think another issue that we've wrestled with is, what does it mean to talk about the faith of a child? I know when our kids were original, we, uh, talking about, hey, we want to get baptized. And, you know, going through that process, you know, as a as a professor at the Moody Bible Institute, you know, I'm wanting to say, oh, well, before we can validate your faith, are you are you able to explain all of the theological truths that there are and can you give me, you know, a synopsis of what the gospels, the books in the Bible, the Gospels say and and go through all of that. And I was wanting to put that harder parameter around it, as opposed to their simple faith and just saying, I love Jesus and I know that he died for me. And so I think it's been wrestling with that to say, oh, what does Jesus mean when he says, you know, that you just need to come with that faith like a child. And so I think for me, that's been a a refreshing thing to go back into, wrestle with that and to not always get faith tied up in all of the extra things that we can tend to put into it, and to look at that. And then a fourth one that has been really good for us is just God's faithfulness. Uh, again, just to be able to look back and say, man, God has been so faithful to us. He's been so faithful to our kids. He's been so faithful in the way that we have been able to work with them and to give them a hope and a future. And, you know, just on so many aspects of God's faithfulness and the way he provides for us. And, you know, that's everything from, um, material things that that happen to the spiritual things that happen and the changes that happened in our lives. So those are some of those spiritual things that jump out at us.

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Eddie: Yeah, yeah. Would you be able to share with us a story of, um, maybe one of your kids that you think kind of encapsulates their faith journey?

00:11:08
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. As Karen and I were talking about that, too. So the the six boys who are at home, two of them are full biological siblings, and three of them are half siblings. And the boys who are full siblings, uh, came into foster care when they were two and four, and a single mother took them in as her foster kids. She wasn't able to eventually adopt them, but at that point she was a passionate Christ follower, and she started taking them to church every week. And so as a two and a four year old, they were introduced to Jesus for the first time, um, as little guys. And then when they came into our family, you know, we continued to help build that foundation of the gospel in their life and Christ's love for them and what that looked like. And they continued to grow in that faith. And then one of the guys, uh, ended up in a residential treatment center about three hours away from where we're at. It was a long ways to get there and, um, with everything else but there was a young couple in a little tiny church. She happened to be a moody grad, and they went to the residential place he was at, and every Sunday they picked him up and they brought him to church, and they took him to special church activities. And this is a church of I don't know, they say they ran 50 when I visited. I never saw more than about 40. So, you know, it's a small church. They didn't have anything fancy. There was, you know, no disability ministry program, but they gave him a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut every week. And he he was so thrilled to be able to do that. But that was another path in a very dark time for us to look at God's faithfulness, then to see, um, this church who cared for my boy. And that was really good. Um, then when he came home, um, he's in a a great small group at church, uh, that has a mixture of kids with and without disabilities. And that group was. Loves him deeply and cares for him. He has an incredible opportunity. He has. Our church had done a residency partnership with Moody Seminary, and so he has a small group leader who works for a large insurance company here in town, but then volunteers 20 hours a week. And so here he has this small group leader who has a seminary background, who is pouring into his life multiple times a week. And in our high school, pastor is also a moody grad and is pouring into his life. And, you know, then again, of course, the things that are going on at home that we do here. But for me, again, that's one of those faithfulness journeys from a kid who was far his family is far from the gospel. And to see these steps of how God has brought him, uh, along in that journey so that that's a fun one for us to be able to share and just to celebrate, to just the body of Christ, um, being involved in so many different ways, uh, in that process. And I think for me, that's also that reminder that as Americans, we sometimes get that idea that our faith journey is so much about me and we forget that it, you know, the four guys who pick up their friend who's paralyzed, they bring him to Jesus and drop him down through the roof. And we forget sometimes how much we need that as part of our journey. And I think our son's journey points to that very clearly.

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Lauren: Um, have you had to have conversations with your biological children or even maybe other kids, um, at school or at church of how to how do you talk to other kids about children with disabilities and special needs in a way that they can understand and be, you know, loving and caring and generous with someone who's different than them?

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Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. Are you asking about, like, what we talked to our kids about or what? How we interact with other people there?

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Lauren: Uh, yeah, with other people. All of the other people.

00:15:05
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. We have, you know, and I think that's been the struggle we are currently in the, the third church here in our community that we've been part of. Um, we were part of a church initially as we started adopting that, uh, was unable to really embrace who our kids were. You know, it was, oh, your kid can't come and do this because of this, or we're going to force your kid to do this because that's what all the other kids do. And so even after those conversations, we weren't able to see that happen. Uh, and then we went to another church, and we tried really hard. They really loved us and wanted to help us, but they just weren't able to pull that around to be able to do that. And so now we're in we're in a large church now that has some great ministries. And I mean, that has allowed us to have more of those conversations with people. Um, the church were in has a much larger group of people who have disabilities, again, all the way across the spectrum. You know, I mean, that's the deal. Disabilities is such a huge term. Yeah. And our church has people all across that. And so that makes it easier because it becomes more part of the congregational feeling of people that we serve and what that looks like. Um, and I think that it is part of that process, too. We're oh, like this year, one of my boys had a new small group leader, and for us to have to even go and say, okay, so here's some of the things that our son is dealing with and here's what's going on. And here's what works well for him. Here's what doesn't work well for him. Um, and to talk through some of those things. So we've done that. Um, we have also had, you know, some of those conversations with other kids, you know, just how to how do you deal with our sons when they do this or that? So, for instance, our church has a wonderful sports ministry. And one of our boys, uh, for a number of years. And when playing basketball, you never know, he might do a cartwheel down the middle of the floor, um, while everybody else is trying to play. Or he might get mad about something. He'd pick up the basketball and he'd go stomp off the court and sit in the bleachers. And to be able to have those conversations with parents and kids about, hey, you know, he just had, you know, he has some struggles and, uh, you're able to, you know, go along with it. But we found that people in our congregation have so embraced our family and have loved our family. Uh, it is just an amazing opportunity for us to be part of this church.

00:17:33
Lauren: Kind of in line with that. What are some things that families without children with disabilities can do to support families who do have children with disabilities? Um, just some tangible things that are helpful.

00:17:45
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. I think sometimes people are afraid to do something because they're afraid it's not the right thing. And so then they do nothing. And so I always encourage people to do something simple. It doesn't have to be some elaborate plan that you put together. Um, for instance, um, we've had a friend who, uh, wanted to. Teach her girls how to love kids with disabilities. And so she worked with her kids to bake cookies, and they would bring cookies over to our family, uh, every once in a while. And, you know, again, it was a little thing, but it stood out to our kids, and they loved doing that. Love having that happen. Um, another thing is, you know, a couple of weeks ago, we had two kids in second and opposite directions, one 100 miles one way and one, uh, 150 miles the other way. And a friend heard that and called and said, hey, can we bring supper over? Um, and so, you know, just again, a simple thing. Um, I think some of it is also like, um, how do we integrate kids who have some of those disabilities into our, into another family? And so kids with disabilities oftentimes don't get invited to other people's houses. They don't get to go to birthday parties. They don't do any of those things. And so, you know, it could be something just as simple as inviting a kid who has a disability to come over and eat supper or have pizza and watch a movie. Again, it doesn't have to be some elaborate kind of a plan, but but that's just another one of those small things you can do. I often tell people, too, that it's real easy to call a pizza place and have pizza delivered. Um, you know, you just never know what somebody's nights like. And you throw 20 or $30 worth of pizza at somebody, and, you know, that's just a joy. A lot of our a lot of our friends, too, who are deal with a, you know, a wide variety of disabilities have to drive great distances to see the specialist or the, you know, the specialized therapists or those things that they see. And so another just simple thing, you know, a gas card or. Oh, yeah, uh, you know, a McDonald's gift card. Mhm. Um, so that while they're at the hospital an hour away, that they can go and grab some lunch before they come home. And so again, they don't always have to be like super difficult things. But it's those little things. And I think that as you start doing some of those little things, you start getting to know people, uh, who have disabilities, that then you are able to continue to find out, oh, I, I know that this family needs this or, you know, I can do that, just like you would with a, a typical, um, family. And I think that sometimes we have that scariness that we're like, oh, I don't know what to do for me. I grew up in a different generation, and I grew up in that generation where those kids with those problems were kept in that building over there. And so I did not grow up with kids with disabilities because they were separated out. And I think that we move, um, in that process. Uh, Dan Vander Plaats talks about how oftentimes we look at people with disabilities from a place of ignorance is where we start, and we just are ignorant about how others function, and yet how we need to be moving through that process from ignorance to ultimately, uh, seeing people as co laborers in Christ. And so and that's another thing that has been huge for us is we've had a variety of like when our kids were younger, junior high, high school kids who have served as buddies at church or at camp just to be with our boys. And and it's those kinds of things that build that relationship over the years. And so, you know, we've been at this church now almost eight years. And those those little kids who were junior high and high school kids loving on my kids continue to be their friends today. So Sunday mornings, those kids will stop by our church, our table at church and talk to us before the service starts. And, you know, they're in college now or whatever, and they come home and, um, our boys are just really looking forward to seeing them. So I think it's it's those little pieces that you can start doing. And as you do that, you'll eventually step into some of the bigger things. Um, just as you get to know people.

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Eddie: Yeah. So you had mentioned, um, you know, at your church, you have a one of your sons has a great small group leader and a, a high school pastor. Um, I guess expanding on that, like, how can how can the local church or how can we as a church, uh, continue to serve, uh, you know, families with, uh, who have children with disabilities?

00:22:31
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. So as I interact with with families who have, again, a wide variety of disabilities, the issues that keep coming up is that families are looking for a church where they feel like they and their kids are loved and where their kids are safe. And so I think those are those big things to start out with, you know, how do you show that you accept kids as they are? Um, and I think sometimes I don't know what your church experience is, but I've been part of churches where, you know, this is the way we do things. And so because this is the way we do things, we. Can't allow for anything outside of how we've always done it. So if you are, uh, come to church and these are the crafts that your kids have to do today, well. If your kid has a sensory processing disorder or they're in a wheelchair, they may not be able to do what you planned for for that craft for the day. So do you try to force them to do that, or do you say, oh, wait, this doesn't make any sense. I'm going to make a better way for kids who are not neurotypical or who have who've been impacted by other disabilities to be able to participate. Um, in that, I think part of it's too just trying to think through how, how would Jesus love these kids and these families? So one of my daughters is a sign language interpreter, and she talked about how when she was in Bible college that she went and for a year did sign language interpreting for a kid in a Sunday school class. Well, I had never thought about that. You know, you think, oh, most you know, many churches have somebody who does deaf interpretation in big church. Mhm. Um, but I never really thought through. Oh. So how do we make that accommodation in a, in the Sunday school class so that that kid could go and be with kids his own age? Uh, so, you know, some of those kinds of things, it's the idea of, you know, how do you reach out to kids who maybe are in a psych hospital and you treat them the same way as if they, you know, had their tonsils out and were, you know, sitting in the local surgery center. Um, I think, too, that it's part of trying to intentionally make some connections. One of the things that I love in our church is that they work really hard for our kids to have friends who are not just other kids with disabilities, so that it's like, again, so it's that segregated those kids over there, but rather how do we engage them and help them be involved. And so I see them do that, you know, whether it's encouraging other kids to sit with them in church or encouraging my kids who would maybe tend to be on the fringes to come and be engaged or, you know, it's not being judgmental, I think is another one of those, like, I don't know, one day in the junior high service, something was said and one of my boys was on one side, and he stood up and yelled something about one of my other boys. You know, there's like 200 junior high kids in, in the gym. And then my the boy, the second boy stood up and started yelling and screaming at the first boy, and they were able to calm him back down. But, you know, nobody came and said, man, your kids can't come back to the church because they're so disruptive. Um, or that that's a problem, but rather, you know, they accept my kids for who they are. All right. Let's try to get pulled back together, guys, and let's, you know, continue on. So I think it's some of those, um, kinds of things. I think that it's also important for us to continue to try to learn more about those with disabilities. Uh, today, you know, there are a lot of books that are out there, uh, that you can, you know, look at that. You can read. Uh, Moody offers courses in disability ministry and crisis and trauma and Christian psychology. So we have, you know, even whole certificates that we've designed because we're we're passionate to say, how do we serve those who have disabilities? And so we've been working really diligently to say we can provide more of that training for churches here in our own community. We know about 100 families who would call themselves, uh, followers of Jesus who don't attend church anymore, uh, because of all the problems that they've had. And so how do we help those churches turn that corner to do that better?

00:27:05
Lauren: Um, and just finally, how what encouragement do you have for families and parents of children with disabilities that are really in the thick of it right now?

00:27:14
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah. I think it's important for you to have. Friends that you can talk to. And I know that's hard. You know, it's, uh, Karen and I are pretty tight down here at home. You know, we don't go out and do stuff or, you know, we don't go to coffee with our friends. Um, but to have friends that you can talk to or that you can message or you know, that you can do some of those kind of things. And I think that it's important for you to have both friends who have kids who are impacted by disabilities so that you can, you know, commiserate some and you can encourage one another. But it's also important to have friends who don't have kids with disabilities, who can just be there and be part of that support system for you. I, I hear a lot of our friends who say, oh, I just get so frustrated because other people don't get it. And I think that's a struggle to try to to move past that, to not get frustrated when that person says, well, if you would just. Spank your kid more or not? Give him this. You know, do this, do this, do this. Your kids would be perfect like my kids are. And, you know, it becomes so easy to get uptight about that. And you have to kind of let that go. I think it's important to not be embarrassed. I have a number of friends who. Say, don't tell anybody that my kid has X, Y or Z disability. Um, because I don't want them to be labeled or, you know, those kind of things. And yet for me, it's like, yeah, we found that by being more open and again, not sharing everything and, you know, not too much information, but people can support me and love me and help me if they know what I'm struggling with or what I'm going through. And my kids are able to get much better services across the board. If we let people know that these are some of the things they struggle with. Um, I think another one is to not get sucked into comparing yourself with others. Um, you know, I'm at that age where my peers, uh, post on Facebook about, hey, we're going to Europe for the week. Hey, we're flying to California to go see our grandkids. Hey, we're going to go do this things. Being empty nesters is the best thing ever. And yet, if you're parenting kids with disabilities, you know you may never become an empty nester, or you may not have somebody who is able to take care of that medically fragile child that you have, um, without you being around. And so I find that I can get really discouraged when I focus too much on what everybody else is doing, you know? I know, I know, I'm a professor at Moody. I shouldn't be getting jealous, and I shouldn't, you know, have those feelings, but I do, you know, when I see that, just because that's so not my life. Um, and doing that. And then I think to just, like, making sure that you're connecting with some good Christian organizations. A couple that I really enjoy working with are Johnny and friends, and they have a lot of resources that are available and things like retreats that families can go on in the summer. Uh, there's another ministry there in the Cleveland area called Key Ministry, and they have fantastic blogs and a wide variety of authors who help. And I found their work to be so good, just to be able to, uh, help me. Oh, yeah. I'm not alone in this process. And. Oh, here are 2 or 3 tips from a blog this week that will help me think that through better. Um, so I think those are some of the pieces of encouragement we can offer to.

00:30:44
Lauren: Yeah. That's great. Well, thank you, Doctor Beattie, for sharing with us, sharing your life with us and how we as the church can better, um, come alongside you and your kids and your family. Um, if people wanted to find more out more about Moody online, where can they where can they look?

00:31:02
Dr. Andrew Beaty: Yeah, you can go to Moody Edu slash online, and you'll be able to find out more of the information that we have there and the programs and the offerings that we have there.

00:31:13
Lauren: Great. Thank you. For our listeners. Uh, be sure to subscribe to Carseat Questions. Episodes drop every Wednesday, so you'll never miss an episode. And go ahead and, uh, give us a five star review. Uh, five stars for Trey because he was so good this whole episode. Um, before we let you go, Doctor Beatty, we'd like to close with a liturgy.

00:31:33
Eddie: To him who was able to do far more than we could understand. May he give us the wisdom to raise our children, to first love God above all else, and love others as themselves.